starting to really feel it

i hate the 2ww. i feel like i did ok for the first few days because it was such a weird situation with lovedove gone. now i've been reading too much on the internet about people saying that they test as early as like 5days after a transfer and that you can get bfps pretty early, but i really dont want to get into any of that. i feel like i have no symptoms because i keep telling myself i have no symptoms. what would even qualify my justify as symptoms, my addiction to sweets/desire for junk food and fatigue? those are symptoms of any day for me.

i feel like blogs and google posts about where im at (4dp 5dt)so that i can generalize everything, make myself part of a group, so that i can feel like im not the only crazy person trying to navigate the seas of infertility. i read some first time success stories with ivf, some first time failures, and then my head gets swayed depending on what i just read. then i try to just tell myself that it totally doesnt matter/has no bearing what on me/our outcome how other people did with their treatments. everyone is different. every situation is different. they should just anesthetize us for the 2ww. we would give our bodies the best chance of being successful and we wouldnt have to go through this torture. what a thought.

hoping that we can enjoy our weekend and that it goes kind of fast. i feel like my week next week should go kind of fast, as it will be my first full week at work in a while. we'll see. my goal is to wait until at least weds, which will be 9dp5dt. i might get cold feet at that point and be afraid of getting a negative on a hpt and just wind up waiting for the beta, but who knows what my nerves will make me do at that point.

qotd 18
favorite infertility relatable quote. 


"even miracles take a little time" - Fairy Godmother, in Cinderella

“If a tree falls in the forest, can anyone hear it? If an infertile bangs her head against the wall in a bathroom at a baby shower, can anyone hear her?”